It’s been my intention to share my story of victory and healing to inspire hope in others. During this photo shoot with my dear friend Victoria, I came to realize that my journey of hiding my personal pain had come full circle and for the first time in my life I felt healed, blessed and renewed all at the same time.
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My name is Charmaine and this is my miracle story. I am a victor of child sexual abuse and while my mother tried to shelter me from life’s cruelties, it wasn’t always the case. She had to survive as a Native woman alone with almost no role model for parenting. I respect her for always keeping us kids together, out of the system and for doing the best she could with what little she had.
Unfortunately, I lost my virginity as a young teen... raped by a group of guys at a party. I thought running away seemed safer than staying at home. I was damaged for life...severely, internally and emotionally. I was told by doctors that I had to accept that I would not be able to have children. This incident spiralled my actions to be a troubled teenager but as I grew, so did my desire to heal. I took it upon myself to seek counselling and therapy and work towards overcoming the damage that I could not change. I spent years investing in my self growth and learning my worth.
As I grew into a young adult, I accepted that I would not be a mother and so I became very passionate about my community, the arts and the authentic history of our country. I was raised with very little privilege except endless love and access to my culture. I thought surely this was more than enough to be happy.
With each career success I fearlessly conquered, I became hungrier for more in my life. Always shy of long term relationships, I found it easier to remain in dysfunctional “partnerships” as opposed to accepting the harsh reality of not conceiving a family of my own.
Over the years, I have had the honour of meeting several beautiful men whom I adored, respected and felt I could have a wonderful future with. But then reality would start to set in, so I would simply show them a little “crazy” and they would run. It seemed to be a much easier tactic rather than going through the embarrassment of having to tell them my dark truth...and that I could never bare their child. I selflessly pushed them away so they could still pursue the joys of fatherhood. Part of me believed that a man could never truly love a woman if she could not birth his seed. I’ve helped raise my little sisters, have been a foster parent, step parent and even pursued adoption only to be denied for being “single”. It’s a heartbreaking process.
Essentially I’ve spent the last ten years alone, by choice. The days got darker and sadder and the depression was taking its toll. I’m not sure what made me more sad, the feelings that I would never have my own family or that I would never be a grandmother and have people to love and care for me in my golden years.
The depression led me further into the darkness...where drugs and alcohol would help mask the pain (or so I thought). The hurt became so heavy that I couldn’t find any more joy Or fulfillment in my career which I loved so much. I began to feel there was nothing left for me in this world. I started to challenge the Creator with my life through reckless and unsafe outdoor adventures. Hoping he would just take me away, seeing as he took away my ability to give life anyway.
The truth is, I no longer had any desire to live. I was empty with nothing worth waking up for. It’s a shame that feels so dirty when you try to practice self love and help others. I was absolutely giving up on life and I’m not even sure I fully realized it until this miracle happened.
I’m still not convinced the blessing is real. I have yet to make sure the baby lives and every moment of everyday, I pray that I can be a good mother and provide a good life, even as a single parent.
I give thanks to the Creator everyday for trusting me with this gift and making me a part of a beautiful sisterhood who has been lending me strength and support along the way.
I’m so glad I didn’t give up on life and now I wholeheartedly believe miracles do happen. I just hope my story of healing might inspire others to know that there truly is light after darkness.
